BR 0012 – Bang For Life! The Guide to Sexual Health

Steve Mayeda Bang Radio 1 Comment

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People love sex, 

People need sex 

But few people live the sex life they’re capable of…

Human fulfillment comes from how we connect and interact.  How we make friends, live our lives and how we share with one another.  Fulfillment is dependent on connection.   One of the highest forms of connection and communication is sex.  It is a very different form of communication than social communication.  Sex is intense, intimate and connects us at the deepest core of our primal urges.  I think everyone can agree with that.

What causes sex to be unfulfilling, a bad experience or a dysfunction revolve around 1 singular concept.   If we can know and understand this we will know sexual fulfillment on a whole new level.  This concept is, Sexual Fulfillment is dependent upon – The Urge turning into the Expression allowing the Connection.

Urge > Expression > Connection  When we are not having fulfilling sexual experiences one of these (or all) are incomplete.

There are few people that are connected with that urge, that depth and that natural satisfaction that sex has to offer.  There are a lot of people having sex, but few people allowing sex and connections changing their lives and work as an absolute expression of themselves.  There are very few people having good sex, and almost none having great sex.  Good sex and great sex have less to do with the physical actions we attribute to sex, and more to do with how we express and connect with our urge within us.  This is the key to  great sex.  An absolute expression and connection based on authenticity.   When you’re having good sex, you are mentally, physically and emotionally in harmony.   Your whole life gets better. 

Born to Be Sexual
‘We were Born to Be Sexual’ this is one of the foundations of TSL.  In fact if you’re having sex, and you’re not able to find complete life fulfillment in it, you’re doing something wrong.    What I mean by that is, if you’re having sex, not having sex, having a lot of sex, a lot of crazy sex, and you don’t enjoy sex, love people,  have a great connection with yourself, a feeling of content relaxation, then you’re having bad sex.   Fulfillment comes from connection.  Sex is one of the deepest forms of connection.

One of the main problems with this is the conflict that comes between the Urge and the Expression & Connection of that Urge.

The Urge 

Our sexual urge is the thing you feel inside you when you want to have sex.  There are many forms to this.  There is no right or wrong to it.  Really…keep reading.

Many times (if you’re a man) that urge may tell you – 

  • “I want a woman to care for me.”
  • “I just want to be touched.”
  • “I just want to explore her.”

That same urge might say in the same moment – 

  • “I want to fuck her through the wall”
  • “I want to own her pussy”
  • “I want to fuck her until she stays fucked” (Who know’s where that line is from?)

It might even say – 

  • “I want to slap her”
  • “I want to objectify her”
  • “I have a rape fantasy”
  • “I want to have violent sex”

or other ‘not so nice’ acts. 

All these urges are good, they’re not yet actions or expressions.  They’re just urges and they’re all saying something that needs to be expressed.  Denial is a form of self-violence.  One way to ensure that your urge does not connect is to deny it.    In some complex way all these are connected.   Before we turn them into actions we need to acknowledge them first.

Our thoughts are very different than our actions.  One thing sexual repression has proven is it distorts our expression.    If we repress or deny our urge, we will never full express. It is our expression of that urge that regulates it.   When we limit our expression, we stop making choices about sex, relationships and connections and start reacting to have them.    If we can learn to live within this perspective of our urge being good, we need to learn how to express it, we can eliminate shame in sex. 

Plain and Simple – Your Sexual Urge is Great.  It is an urge, not an action.  There is nothing wrong with you.  No matter what it is.  What will give it fulfillment is your ability to express it, and have it connect.  If you hold on to you urge and deny it or suppress it, it will disort and there will be a constant conflict with the relationships with yourself and others.   You limit your expression when your urge is incomplete.  

Expression & Connection

First Expression and Connection are 2 different things that go hand in hand.

Expression is how you broadcast and share what is within you.  It is how you share, show and communicate your sexual urge.  All life expresses itself.  You were born to express yourself. 

Connection is when someone or something interacts with who you are.  When your expression comes together with someone else’s expression, transformation happens.  In this case, when your sexual urge connects with someone else’s sexual urge, they influence each other.   Connection happens.  This is our main goal.  You can’t have connection without expression.  But you can express and not have connection.  

Bottom line – What gives sex its greatest value is the connection.  That is what makes it so great and fulfilling at a mental, emotional and physical level.  The connection is also what gives our urge the ability to transform and truly be an expression of us.  In order to have connection we need our urge to be as pure as possible (although it may seem confusing and conflicting at times) and our expression to be authentic.   If you’re having urges you feel ashamed of or uncomfortable with you need them to express and have connection release and transform them.  If those urges can’t connect, you will need to change the way you express them so they can connect.  Once you do that things will change in your life in ways that only sex can change them. 

A man or woman can have a sexual urge and when they limit their expression they will limit their connection.  The inability to connect keeps them from expressing ourselves.  This builds frustration.  They can be having sex or not having sex, and building this frustration.   Here are a few examples  – 

Examples of Sexual Frustration & Solution

Isolated Socially & Sexually Frustrated Man
Physical, Mental and Emotional Sexual Frustration 

A man has not has sex ever or in a long time.  He is not able to socially connect well.  He becomes more and more frustrated.  The more he focuses on sex, without expression the more frustrated and isolated his sexual urges become.  Isolation makes us think we are different.  His sexual urge will turn into a mix of the Natural Urge, Control, Anger, Frustration and Retaliation or Equalization.   This is where we start living in fantasy, and thinking this is our only sexual expression.  People get in their heads thinking they only like novelty sex, or something over the top sexually and due to their lack of socializing and human connection it progresses further into dysfunction  

For instance a sexually frustrated and inactive man, might get really into watching porn.  He is not in touch with the reality of sex, so he starts watching different porn, that is more rough.  He feels this makes him different and more un-relatable to ‘normal’ people.  This belief that he is sexually different or dysfunctional makes him need to watch more unique and disturbing porn to fulfill this belief.  He makes his way to violent porn, or domination and aggressive acts.  He could be someone with no urge towards homosexuality, beastiality or child porn, but the further he has a relationship with his false beliefs on sex rather than the very real human to human connection the more his sexual dysfunction becomes a reality.  If that person isn’t having sex their concept of connection is lost.   Sex is a self-serving physical act that has no relationship to emotional or mental expression.  His sexuality is defined by fantasy and not expression and connection.   Fantasy and a wide range of sexual urges are natural, however they will distort into an unnatural expression without human to human interaction, and social interaction. 

The Solution – Learn to express and be one’s self socially.  Connect with others and alleviate that tension.  Also I am a fan of people having sex, when their physical bodies are too bound up sexually.  This is a controversial topic, however, if you are not having sex, get the physical release by any means possible.  However, this will not give you an emotional release, or mental release.  You will eventually need to be yourself to get that. 

The Woman Who Loves Too Much
Example of a Mental and Emotional Sexual Frustration

A woman is attractive, single and sexually active.  She has open views on sex, and is open to having it with people she meets and likes.  She can express sex on this level.  However, during the act of sex with some partners she has moments of intensity where she wants love and emotion, other times physical domination and other times very slow and soft caressing.  She doesn’t feel comfortable or know how to express this when those feelings are at their peak.   In order to feel them she begins to limit her expression while having them.  Sometimes when having sex she likes things that might be considered dirty, or taboo.  Even though she likes them, she feels incongruent with them in she normal everyday life.  Because of this, whenever she has really intense physical and physiological sex where a man takes her to a different part of her mind that she thinks is dirty, inappropriate or ‘slutty’, she begins to feel the need for more love and emotion when normally she wouldn’t want that with this person.  Her inability to allow herself to fall into that feeling for carnal sex without having to attach herself emotionally keeps that expression blocked.   Then during and after sex she builds intense relationships with these men who in every other area of her life do not match.   

Many people would be critical and forewarning of this lifestyle.  Having sex freely, however, whether you think that is wrong or right people are doing it and getting trapped within the lack of communication of their Urge, Expression and Connection.  Her sexual language and sexuality needs to be discovered for herself, and why shouldn’t it?  Sex doesn’t have to be restricted in order to be enjoyed.  In fact that is one of the worst things you can do.

What is this woman had a group of other women (and men too) that could openly talk about sex, and the emotions they feel at different moments?  How that nearly every man and woman at high points of physical arousal feel new emotions they have never felt before.  Rather then immediately reacting to that intense emotion, they can be calm with it.  Feel it a few more times, maybe feel it with some other people and then make a choice rather than a reaction.

This gets people in relationships they do not want.  Her physical expression of high sexual intensity she might feel ashamed of, she is not used to connecting and communicating in this high point of sex.  She begins to feel her sexual expression in this act is somehow not her, or flawed.  She thinks she is different or feeling something that she has never felt before and because it is intense she needs to take lifestyle actions on it.  Confusion of any expression can lead into a whole bunch of different distortions of sexuality.  Her desire for slower sex, may come into conflict with her more carnal desires and rather than learning to speak both languages she chooses one or the other.  This is one of the worst things one can do.  One urge is starved so the other can live.

The Solution – She needs allow herself to explore and feel within these expressions fully.  She needs to understand that sex is whole new language that has so many different dimensions an nuances that it will need to be spoken and expressed in many ways until we learn that expression.   She can not think she is different for what she feels.  When she can fully express her urges, she will see that she does not need to make decisions about her sexuality, relationships, lifestyle and self-image base on confusion    

The Sex Addict
Example of a man, very sexually active, emotionally and mentally frustrated. 

A man who is having sex in every way he can imagine.  He is hyper sexual and very comfortable with that.  His urge is high and in some cases it may be natural for him to be this active.  However, not in this way.   He is physically in total sexual expression, however he is not connecting emotionally or mentally.  There may be windows of those expressions, but they do not sustain.  Because of this he loses his erection or cannot have or complete an orgasm while having sex.   He notices that he is more turned on and can force an orgasm when he starts having sex in a way that he thinks is bad.  This can range from, sex in an odd place to making a woman do something she didn’t want to do, to sexual behavior that is new and never been done before by him.   The only problem with this is the acts need to be more intense every time he has them.  They work less and less.  The first time he achieves some fulfillment, however, as they are repeated sex becomes less and less pleasurable.  He is bypassing connections, for the sake of physical release.   After a while the man starts to feel he never enjoyed sex, women, or connection with people.  He starts developing the same perspective of the above example of the socially and sexually inactive man – frustration, blame, confusion and isolation.  Sex has become a story of what he is supposed to do, and not what he wants or expresses.   He is living in just as much of a fantasy, because his urge, expression and connection are all incomplete. 

The Solution – This person needs to start having sex and slowing down.  When they feel the tension they have they need to allow it to be there.  Their way of fighting tension has allowed gotten them to react to their physical urges, and exaggerate them to find release.  In the meantime their emotional and mental sexual expressions are in deficit.  If they can’t ejaculate they need to be able to sit in that sexual state and remain sexual.  They may not complete, but if they can normalize their sexual act they will move towards that natural expression.   If they are not able to maintain or get an erection they need need to once again relax int he sexual state.  If they are having erectile issues they need to determine if it is physical or mental.  If they can get an erection while masturbating or to porn but not while with someone, they can get an erection.  If they can’t they can consult with a urologist about how this can be solved.  However, if they can get an erection they need to relax in the sexual situation.  They need to continue with their expression without the tool of their dick.  When the rest of their body and mind connects and starts to speak the language of sex, they will get back to full expression.

In all of the examples above there are a few obvious characteristics – 

Authentic Expression is an must –  If you’re being someone else you will not have a good sex life.   In every single one of these examples they all thought their authentic expression was flawed.  They isolated themselves and thought they were different. 

Connection is an absolute – What is causing you disconnect from others?  Judgment, Blame, Objectification, Isolation, Thinking You’re Different, etc… All these things can be natural, however, when we connect and exchange with someone else, allowing that person to influence us connection alleviates those things. 

The Language of Sex – In all of the examples we need to recognize that the language of sex speaks in many different an unique ways.  The solution for everything will be in learning to speak it.  Their are as many ways to speak it as you have urges and connections with people.  It is limitless, however, the 3 main branches are Physical, Mental and Emotional.  Within those they might seem like they conflict, however they need to be spoken and connected, influenced by another to be fully understood. 

There is No Shame – Your Urge is Good.  However it needs to connect to be fulfilled, expressed and understood.   When that happens it turns into something else.  There is no bad urge.  An urge only is bad when it causes harm to yourself or others, or is stagnant and repressed.  This is disconnect and progresses disconnect.  Most sexual dysfunction including crimes come from the Urge, Expression and Connection being incomplete. 

If you want to have a good sex life, there is only one answer – Be yourself and show it to the world around you.  Life will be good. 

In short – 

Love yourself

Explore yourself

Express yourself

and Connect yourself to someone else


When you do that, life opens up in a completely beauty that is surpassed by nothing. 

Steve Mayeda

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Steve MayedaBR 0012 – Bang For Life! The Guide to Sexual Health

Comments 1

  1. Allison

    You made a lot of great points in this article, it further helped me see that repressing and denying natural urges is not only wrong but damaging to my life, it’s caused me to feel different and resulted in me isolating myself and not connecting to people.
    Here’s to being social & sexual…. soon hopefully lol
    thanks a lot
    Ally

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